Hebrews 13: 5-6

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

Oh jeeze! I’ve had writers block for days, yet SO SO SO much has been going on! I don’t even know where to start! How do I find the words to explain all the emotions, frustration and excitement of spending a week working with intercity kids, in New York City. Then coming back, fasting for 4 days and having a sozo prayer that brought up my ENTIRE childhood? And are y’all ready for the cherry on top? Let me just add in here that the sozo prayer was administered by my boyfriends mom and his ex girlfriends mom. HA!! I’m sorry but for some reason that is just hysterical to me! Luckily, they are both amazing, Godly women who made me feel so comfortable during this process.

Anywho, my week spent in the bronx stretched me in ways I was not even prepared for, nor expected.  I think the biggest thing I’ve learned about myself since coming back to Maine is how much fear really did (does) consume my life. [Still a work in progress!:)]

I had this fear of getting hurt, fear of loving, fear of struggling financially, fear of man, fear of my father, fear of sounding stupid, fear of failing and just fear, after fear, after fear. What I liked to call over-analyzing was actually a complete lack of trust in God. Having this rise to the surface was a crucial turning point in my relationship with God. This lack of trust in him was affecting my relationships &  friendships, paralyzing me from making decisions and certainly affecting my intimacy with God. However, praise the Lord he has slowly, but surely been setting me free from fear in my life.

So yesterday on my way home from this intense 2 1/2 hour prayer session, the enemy started attacking. This session was based around forgiveness, which included walking through & remembering some really hard times. Things that I barely even remembered started flooding my brain and all these images filled my mind.  As I was driving home the Casting Crowns song, Voice of truth started playing. Hearing this song was such a gift from God;

Oh, what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
On to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
You you’ll never win”

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “This is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I immediately started praying and asked God to give me some sort of discernment so I could hear HIS voice of truth. I don’t know why all these years I actually believed that I needed to forgive myself. It’s so funny how the enemy even manipulates forgiveness. He truly made me believe that I had forgiven all the people in my past that have hurt me, pushed those events aside, gotten over it and put a smile on my face. All that was left was forgiving myself. He made me believe that I was stuck in this rut because this was the ONE area of  forgiveness I couldn’t do. I would get so frustrated with myself because I didn’t know how to do it, I didn’t know how to let go. However, the reason why I couldn’t forgive was because THERE WAS NO FREAKING REASON TO FORGIVE MYSELF.

Yep, just as plain, simple and easy as that. I had been going through this maze, searching for the key that would unlock the secret to true forgiveness and couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find it because not one of those events were my fault. During my sozo the enemy whispered in my ear saying, “Chrissy just forgive yourself.” He even put other men in my life that whispered the same thing in my ear. That I wasn’t allowed to feel anything, that I had to suppress those feelings, emotions, be happy and forgive myself. Honestly I mean this is the nicest way possible, but I kind of just want to say a big, fat F-U to those guys. haha sorry, just throwin’ that out there. :) But in all reality, I forgive them too. I’m literally sitting at work just giggling at my desk while writing this.  Why did I believe this flat out lie for so long? That certainly IS NOT the voice of truth. That is not the voice of a loving, generous, GRACIOUS and good God.

Once again, Satan just LOVES to pull out discouragement from his little toolbox of tricks. He loves to try and drill this into our minds because he knows if he can get us down that path, he can get us stuck and just drown in horrible, discouraging thoughts. Thoughts about ourselves & others that are so incredibly far from the truth. Gosh, this one little tool that he uses can throw us off God’s path before we even know it.  If he can get us headed down the path of discouragement, he can lead us to despair and eventually to destruction. He wants us wallow in negative thoughts that only leave us with self-frustration, self-pity or bitterness. And the most important thing I’ve realized is how important it is to nip those thoughts in the butt early. Those thoughts can become actions; actions can become habits and the habits can create an overwhelming amount of discouragement. Gosh, that all started with just a thought.

Last night I was discussing all of this with Ethan and he brought up such a good point. The enemy is so stupid and he throws the SAME things at us over and over and over again. Yet, we keep falling for those same tricks over and over and over again. Plus one more time! We get stuck in those same habits, those same thoughts and during all of this God persistently tries to gently & lovingly tell us that they are lies. The funny thing about all of this is, I’ve already written a blog on discouragement. I’ve heard ALL of this stuff before, yet I keep getting stuck in Satan’s trap. This trap is exhausting and speaks against God’s word. It speaks against God’s promises to us and it certainly speaks against who HE is. Jesus came to set us free from all this crud, let’s take this amazing gift and use it to the fullness.

What are the areas that Satan is trying to trip you up in right now? What words are you listening to about yourself that are not from the Voice of truth? We keep listening to those lies, automatically believing them without even giving them a second thought. I want to stop giving those false, negative words a second thought and start giving Gods kind words a third, fourth and fifth thought. I want to think about those words over and over again, as many times as I need to, as many times and you need to until we all believe the voice of truth.

Here’s a great link that y’all should check out on 18 devices Satan uses against us…

http://answers.libertybaptistchurch.org.au/answers/76.pdf

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