Work out your salvation through fear and trembling – Philippians 2:12

This scripture is what rings through my head on almost a daily basis. When I’m disobedient or selfish; this thought consumes my life- the fear of the Lord consumes my life.

It really is amazing the way God works. He picks you up, plants you in the very spot you were supposed to be, next to the very people you were supposed to sit next to… nothing is coincidence. So here I am, this 24 year old girl, who thought she was finally getting it all together. I thought I was finally understanding what it meant to truly be a Christian, to have a deep, real relationship with Jesus and to truly love others. I’m completely consumed by this overflowing love for the Lord, completely awe struck with Jesus and what he’s done for us. Yet, last night I finally realized something; Jesus loves me.

For some reason saying that kinda makes me want to gag- it sounds so corny and UGH, just so stinkin’ cheesy. However, for some reason I’m just now realizing this. I’m just now coming to the realization how important it is to have an equal balance between the love & fear of the Lord.  I feel like God has really given me an extremely compassionate heart- I mean, I can literally feel my heart just aching and hurting for people who are burdened. Yet, I show no compassion for myself. God has given me the desire to just love on people as much as possible in an unconditional way- yet I’ve never been able to accept that unconditional love for myself.

I just have to start this by saying I cannot freaking believe how much God has shown me in such a short amount of time. Seriously, I’ve been to the Tuesday night group twice and God is shouting at me, trying to get me to wake-up and realize what he’s been trying to tell me for years now. I was taken back a little bit when Jeff said he felt like I needed prayer last night. Honestly, in my head I was thinking… Oh my gosh, no. no. no. I don’t need prayer, there are so many other hurting people in this room- in this world that need prayer. Give it to them, let them have it. It’s so funny because I’m always talking about transparency and the importance of it. But for some reason I have this little, okay lets be honest here, BIG issue with transparency when it comes to myself. I hate when people see that I’m hurting and most of the time I think I do a pretty darn good job of covering it up. It’s not that I’m not genuinely a happy person, but back to last nights topic, it is that true joy that I’ve been lacking. And I’ve finally come to the conclusion that you cannot possibly experience true Joy with out accepting Gods love.

The crazy thing is, I really do have so much love for Jesus that I would give up everything. I would quit school, quit my job, leave my family and move wherever God wanted me to go. I thought by having this mindset I was living in obedience, living up to the standards that he called me to. In fact, until last night I figured he just made me to be restless in order to fulfill my purpose. Now- I’m really not so sure. Running has always been apart of my life. Especially running away from people. Which is quite ironic, because I really, really do love people. I love hearing their stories, I love when my friends come to me for advice, I love being there in their lowest of times. But when it comes to people doing that for me- No way, I won’t let you in. I won’t let you see that side of me, so the minute I feel like people get a glimpse it makes me want to run.

The one thing that really has always scared me is becoming like my mother. When I was younger, I saw her become a doormat for my father. Our house was filled with emotional and physical abuse. From even a young age I remember promising myself I’d never be like her. Ever. Now that I’m an adult and I see what the years and years of abuse from her father and, then my father has done to her. I see the bitterness, the hostility, the lack of joy and now more than ever, I don’t want to be like that- This is what freaking scares me the most.  Love was such a conditional thing in my household- and still is. I guess just the thought of someone feeling unloved by me absolutely freaks me out and hurts my heart.

Because of how I was raised, loving Jesus and not expecting that same love back came so natural to me. After last night I realized that there is no way I will ever be able to love others the way Jesus did, with out accepting that love. There’s no way I could ever show the joy and freedom he’s given me, with out completely letting go of that conditional love I felt from people in the past. My entire life I’ve shown Grace to others, feeling like they were ‘worse’ off than me. I’ve always thought that it’s the people in my life who have done all those awful, awful things that need prayer- not me. Never once did I pray for myself to be set free of the guilt, of the burdens I’ve been carrying around.  Instead I would pray for each person that added to the large brick wall I’ve been building. Because honestly, what hurts my heart more than anything is knowing that those people don’t have the Lord. That those people are hurting and in need of Jesus. But here’s the thing… I do too.

I need his love.

Okay- so here’s the crazy thing about all of this. When I lived in Charleston, my Church was big into prophetic prayers. I made an appointment and pretty much the same exact stuff was said to me that everyone prayed over me last night. Last night when y’all were praying over me this scripture kept ringing through my head THE ENTIRE time…

Samuel 17:47

“All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

So this morning I woke up at 6am with that scripture in my head again. However, my bible was in my car and I didn’t want to freeze my tush off to get it…  but  God was not going to settle for that excuse. I got my bible, found that scripture, prayed, journaled… ha- is journaled a word,  it looks weird?! Anywho, I just felt his love and wisdom flood into my heart. He revealed so much to me this morning. I’ve finally realized it’s time to let down my sword, take off the battle armor, let him carry these burdens and accept the amazing unconditional love of the Lord.

Sharing just this little piece of me is especially hard. I just feel like in order to deepen my relationship with Jesus and truly live up to my purpose, I need to work on being transparent. I need to accept love from others and I certainly need to accept love from Jesus. Will y’all pray that I truly find freedom in Jesus and accept his love? I really need to do this in order for God to be able to use me in his awesome plan! And trust me, I really, really want to be apart of it!!!

Thank you! :)

Galatians 2:20 (NIV)

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.