I made you promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time.
I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all.
If you touched my face, would I know you?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold you?
What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the shore along you ocean?
Are you fire, are you furry, are you sacred, are you beautiful?
So, what do I know… what do I know of holy.
I guess I thought that I had figured you out.
I knew all the stories, and I learned to talk about how you were mighty to save.
But those were only empty words on a page.
Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be.
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees.
-Addison Road

Gosh, I just feel so embarrassed about how ridiculous I’ve been about moving back to Maine. I’ve been wallowing in pity, yet talking about how I believed in God’s plan and purpose for me to move back here. I heard this song today by, Addison Road and it spoke right to my heart. How easy is it for us to say the words, talk the talk, but not truly act it out. I feel like that’s what I had been doing the past few months. I spent the previous year taking New Testament, Old Testament and Evangelism classes where I constantly heard how faithful and great God is. It was so easy for me to say the words out loud, tell others… but honestly I don’t know if I really believed it. Or at least I don’t know if I acted with the joy in my heart that I should have as a follower of Christ.

Tonight I was praying sincerely for the first time in awhile. Telling him how lonely I felt here, then I just started telling him how I couldn’t feel him working in my life… wondering if he even existed. I mean how foolish would I be if all this time and effort I put into a relationship with God and at the end of this life… I was just praying to nothing. I think I was embarrassed to admit that this thought even crosses through my mind. I was thinking that maybe I’m not a real Christian, or a real believer. A real believer wouldn’t think this way. We act by faith, not by sight.

However, that is what a relationship with God looks like… being honest with him. It makes me laugh that I actually think he doesn’t know what I’m really thinking inside. I think I can hide certain things from him and just pick and chose what I want to reveal to God. It doesn’t work that way. He knows my moments of doubt and the amazing thing about God is if you take the time to let him in, tell him everything and ask… you will receive.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

For some reason I started reading through Philippians tonight. Turns out everything I was praying and stressing about was revealed to me right through scripture. I love how he gives us that little bit of encouragement at exactly the right time.

Gosh, just reading what Paul writes to the Christians at Philippi is amazing. Paul was in prison while writing this letter, yet he constantly reiterates his joy in suffering, his joy in serving, his joy in believing and his joy in giving. Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-14:

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Paul’s goal was to know Christ, to be like Christ and to always keep him at the tip of his tongue. As a Christian, we should not take our eyes of the goal- which is knowing Christ personally. So, I started thinking about what was holding me back from having the relationship I wanted with God. I realized that I had become so absorbed in missing a State, that it was making me completely blind to be able to see what God’s purpose was for me here.

I know one of my purposes here is to grow closer to him… to become more like him in action- not by talk. Surrounding myself around believers was amazing and a huge time of growth for me in Charleston, but I think it was paralyzing to my relationship with God as well. I became too dependent on having conversations about the Lord that I often skipped on praying and reading the bible. So you take me out of my surroundings and of course I feel lonely. God knows the desires of my heart… which has always been to know him personally. It’s amazing how just one night of sincerely talking with God can give me so much clarity.  This is how I can truly say God is faithful and mean it. Sometimes it’s so easy for us to give the devil and foot-hole and allow him to bring us down, allow us to question the existence of the one who created the heavens and earth. I want to truly know Christ, like Paul. Finding the joy of moving back to Maine is the first step. Knowing that no matter how lonely I get, God is faithful and I do have a purpose here.  I just need to learn patience. It’s all in his timing…