“Steady as a preacher, free as a weed

Couldn’t wait to get going, but wasn’t ready to leave.

There’s a wild, wild whisper blowing in the wind

Calling out my name like a long lost friend

Oh, I miss those days as the years go by

Get caught in the race, of this crazy life

Trying to be everything, can make you lose your mind

I just want to go back in time, to American Honey

Gone for so long now, I got to get back to her somehow.”

I was thinking the other day about that innocence we all have, and at what point in time do we lose it? All I know is that right now my biggest enemy is the knowledge I have. I want my innocence back. Every single line in this song speaks to what I am going through right now. I was so excited to leave Maine, ready to move, be completely independent and most importantly for me…. Build a relationship with God. There was never one point in time once I got to South Carolina that I actually thought I’d go back.

Over the past few days I’ve really been struggling with why God would bring me to the exact community and church I had always longed for and then just take it away. It’s funny how we all think we know what’s best for ourselves and if we like something, we just assume that it’s right for us. For me the hardest part about having a true relationship with God is realizing there is no way that I will ever be right. I will always lose the discussion and even though there may be times that God blesses me with what I really want, there are going to be so many more times that he does the opposite. Trusting that he has a much better plan than what I could ever draw up is so hard for me right now.

Right now it feels like my entire world is slipping away.  God is pointing towards me going back to Maine in every single direction, but right now my heart is here in Charleston. This is where they say being a Christian is hard. Giving up what you want to follow what God wants can be unbearable. For the first time in my life my heart literally aches. I feel like I’m 16 again and breaking up with my first love. It’s ridiculous!

I keep thinking about how different the drive back home from Charleston will be compared to the drive in. The day that I left was gorgeous…I had my sun roof open, music blasting and I just had so much excitement of how different my life would be.

It’s unbelievable how much God gave me in the first few months of me living here. It seemed as if every single thing I had longed for in Maine was being given to me here.  I met Josh, who honestly is really the person who helped me draw closer to God, but also become more than a friend.  I just say all of this because thinking back to that time, I never thought months from now I’d be here packing and preparing to go back to Maine.

God, I just really want that innocence back when I first moved here. I just want to feel care-free, like my whole life is ahead of me. And even though I know that it still is, it just hurts so much right now. I know the Lord brought me here for a reason, and it’s so clear what that reason is, but honestly right now I wish I had never moved here. I never thought moving to a new place would be like that leap of faith in a relationship that you have to take. To know your heart might get broken, but to still try it anyways.

Even though it hurts, I drove into Charleston by myself and I’m driving out with the Lord. His plan for me there must be amazing to take me away from a community like this. I’m excited to see another side of Maine when I go back and I know the Lord will plant that same excitement that I had in heart for moving here. The amazing thing about the Lord is; even though it hurts in the moment if you can heal your heart and open your eye’s to see all the blessings he has given us it can be the most amazing overwhelming feeling. God is good. :)

Anyways, I just wanted to thank each and every person I met here. You all showed me what true love for the Lord meant, and inspired me in so many ways. You’ve give me that drive to want to make Maine part of the bible belt too! haha…. I love you all! :)